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People with anger issues tend to feel they have to confront every injustice and right every wrong. But ask yourself: Is this confrontation really necessary? If you consider your anger reactions thoughtfully, you’ll realize that, in many situations, there’s little benefit to immediately confronting the person or event that has triggered your anger.
If you’re in a coffee shop and someone is having a loud video call with a friend—move to another seat in the shop. If there’s a colleague at work you don’t like—don’t talk to that person. Get off the autopilot of confronting everything and everyone, and learn to navigate around the provocations that trigger your anger.
More likely the issues that cause you anger happen in your home; your wife, children, or your neighbors do something that cause you to want to respond. In your mind, something must be done or said right at that moment and the other person needs to see the impact on you and see it right now.
And who benefits? More importantly, what will be the consequences of your immediate response?
Why are you so angry all the time? For many of us, anger is often based on the belief that others should behave in a certain way that aligns with your expectations and demands, a mindset psychologists call “demandingness.” (not my word or idea) Demandingness is reflected in words and phrases you say to yourself like “they must,” “you should,” “he ought to,” and “she has to.”
It’s true, of course, that some things in this world really must happen, like breathing and sleeping. But must your boss appreciate your hard work? Must your husband do what you ask? Must your children listen to your advice? Must the gardener or the electrician arrive when expected? Must that new computer work perfectly when you get it home? Must other drivers be courteous?
Not every situation demands a response from you and, of it does demand a response, does that response need to happen right at that moment? What does your response say about you and how people will reflect on you?
Taking the premise that most people think very highly of themselves and feel that nothing that they do deserves a harsh response from anyone (especially you) you should expect that no change will happen but the other person will never stop talking and reminding you about what you did at that moment that you showed anger.
Walk away, do not engage, do not respond unless an immediate danger to you or someone else is apparent. You have nothing to gain by continuing the problem and everything to lose by being reminded about what you did and said when you showed an angry response.
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