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Dr. Lane’s Thoughts LXXVII
1) I was recently contacted by text from a family member. We are not in touch too often but it was nice to hear from her. She sent me photos of her grandkids calling the 3-year old boy ‘a scientist’ and the 1.5-year old girl ‘a princess’. She has one child from each of her sons.
Nice. She loves her grandchildren. I responded with the standard admiration.
I did not respond with further questions, photos of recent events in my life with my wife and stepdaughters. No need. I don’t feel the need to share things that were not solicited.
She sent me the same text two days later and then again the next day. Same text message, unchanged. I didn’t respond. I figured that she had not remembered that she had sent them out before.
A few days passed and she asked me to send the texts on to one of my brothers who has chosen to distance himself from her and no longer shares his address or phone number with her. He also changed his email address.
I did what she asked but did not disclose any other information. A request for privacy and separation by him should be honored.
Later that day she pointed out that I was ‘only a stepfather’ but through her I was a ‘great uncle’ [misspelling. The proper way to write it is ‘great-uncle’] to her grandchildren and that they were ‘blood’. I had to wonder what she meant but I chose to respect her information about how I was blood-related to her grandchildren. A factual tidbit but not important to me – I respected her statement in the same way as telling me that June 20, 2024 was a Thursday; factual but not important.
A day later this family member wrote this to me: “I need to ask you a question. Have you told your wife and family about my grandchildren? I have never heard from your family after (boy) and (girl) were born
May I be clear here? Her older son moved to California from New York to be as far away from her as possible. If he moved any more West he would be living in the Pacific Ocean. His occupation is TICKETSCALPER. He is the reason that your $100 ticket costs $300. He makes about $200,000 a year only because he is an employee and not the owner. He would prefer to write music and perform than to hold a customary 9-5 job.
The younger son works for his father and will inherit the business when dad steps down. He gets paid richly and his parents just bought him a $1M three-story condo near them (including free babysitting by his mother; my sister). His wife also comes from two living parents and is very wealthy. These grandchildren have 4 living grandparents and so much money that everyone in that story was born into the 1% (except this relative who came from being poor, like me. She married into money).
The major reason that I have not been in touch? This relative’s husband has blocked my emails for the last 30 years. He has also spoken perhaps 200 words, total, to me in the last 45 years.
Son #1 in CA, I have no idea what his address or phone number is. It has never been shared with me.
Son #2 who lives 5 minutes from his parents in his $1M condo? Your guess is as good as mine as to the address or phone number.
I have been informed that my raising my wife’s 2 daughters as my own is ‘not a real family’ – despite the truth that those years have been the happiest years of my life. To have my family dismissed as ‘not blood’ and these two grandchildren of my sister as being more important is disgraceful. I don’t think anyone is crying over losing touch with me.
So I have not been in touch with my birth family much? Do they know that my younger daughter graduated high school last week and is on her way to a Physician Assistant program? Do these same people know that I have a successful business that I started on my own (unlike how her husband got his ‘big boost’ in business so he now owns it)?
I am a small business owner and may never be able to purchase a house – at least with my own money in NJ.
This relative lives in an area where the sources of income are inheritance, medicine, law, business, embezzlement, and divorce. Each of these means of income are held in the same regard as ‘successful’. The area has a monthly ‘perp walk’ as the more criminal of them gets visited by the FBI (just a cost of doing business; they will be out by the evening).
Most importantly, did I reach out to her to shame her about not being involved with me? I wrote her off as not caring years ago (I understand that my family is not important to anyone but me and my twin brother).
The texting from her? I stopped the conversation of texts and blocked her number from my phone. No one deserves to be shamed by anyone else.
2) I am sure that I am not the first person to be told about raising girls that ‘when they become teens your daughter will be hell to live with; teen daughters are the worst’!
Many people told me this and I was ready for the inevitable. For whatever reason, when a girl goes from 12 to 13 you have to EXPECT unacceptable and rude behavior and uncontrollable outbursts. Everyone told me that this was due to hormones and peer issues and anything else.
Nicole turned 12 to 13 and I resigned myself to this INEVITABILITY OF HELL!
Nicole is about to turn 18. She will be starting college in a week.
I am still waiting for this hell to occur. We had one bad moment back in December of 2023. Nothing before and nothing since. She is a father’s dream in every way – nice friends, nice boys, good career goals, punctual with her evening plans. A real joy.
And I did not end up with an unattractive daughter who is nice out of default. Nicole is lovely and Latina (e.g. a hottie with revealing clothes that demonstrate her shape. Its a cultural thing so this is part of who they are). She has constant plans and is invited everywhere by everyone. She just knows to be punctual (I stay up to let her in the house) to show respect to her mom and me. She always checks in with her mother when she comes home. She also has had no contact with alcohol because that is forbidden (also out of respect to her mom and me).
No hell from her, only joy.
3) Our country has a terrible disconnect between the highly educated (and unaware) and the uneducated (but prone to conspiracy theories about the overeducated and their ‘agenda’).
When a person has little to no education beyond high school they are prone to wanting to hear a message that supports the decision that they made not to further their education. Many of these people feel forgotten by the political contests in Washington or even in their own state capital.
It is understandable that the uneducated feel this way: they live in a country that is foreign to them, with ideas and people that they do not both understand nor identify with.
When these people finish high school (and this is presupposing that they did do this) they do not feel a compunction to go on in their education. This decision is purposeful and rational based on their background or their interests but summed up by the idea that education in the USA brings with it a high price tag, no direct relationship to making money, and years away from the workforce where a paycheck can be earned immediately.
It is not the place of this essay to explore how this idea is a short-term solution that sets people up for a future without promise because many of these ideas a correct: education costs a great deal of money and it doesn’t equal a good paycheck in many cases. Worse, for many people it equates to an education that takes them far from the ideas that they grew up with in terms of politics, political philosophy and faith; three ideas that are more comfortable when taught at home and not altered by ‘others’ such as teachers and the media.
The trailing problem with not getting further education is that there are often too many people trying for too few jobs that arrive and leave a community with the whims of the employers and the economics of a particular location, leaving many without employment and without prospects for new employment. This leaves resentment and resentment is what demagogue leaders like Trump and his version of the Republican Party in 2024 thrive on.
When people do not have what they consider to be a reliable source of information about the ‘outside’ world (outside the community) they become the victims of conspiracy theories and promises made by disingenuous figures like Trump.
We are at a point where believing Trump is all that his followers have to hope for a better day with steady, high-paying employment based on the idea of hard work and loyalty; ideas that have never earned anyone a living without the two things that Trump is against: higher education and unions.
Trump’s followers believe him when he lies about his accomplishments and his track record for helping them, despite the many sources that expose his lies such as videos, professional journalists from credible news sources, and their own memories. He has made it clear that even if he slaps your face and there is video evidence that he did this he can convince you that the events never occurred.
We are not too far from Trump creating obvious lies that are ridiculous but will be believed by his followers as truth: Trump taught BB King to play guitar, that he built One Tower Center by himself, that he knew FDR personally, and so on. Silly, stupid, and obvious lies but his followers as so trained to not use their own minds and so prepared to both need him and want to believe him that they will repeat these and other lies to sustain their own need to believe anyone who promises them a better tomorrow.
Education is isolating, especially from the community that you grow up in, especially in smaller communities. It teaches new ideas that are often in contrast with your familiar ideals, faith, political ideas, and from your family. Even in school you are confronted by other people who are on this same journey but perceive you as odd or unacceptable.
In the end, the only real skills that college teaches you is the ability to express your thoughts and ideas; ephemeral skills that while offering the communication skills necessary for employment also expose you to criticism and rebuke – further isolating you.
There is safety in the familiar, comfort in the already-known, security in the decided. New can be scary and change can be threatening. It isn’t just the hinterlands of the furthest parts of the USA but even in the smaller communities in the highly populated West and East coasts. Exposure to ideas and people who do not agree with you and challenge you can be disruptive not only to you but to your family and friends.
Education does not guarantee money and unless you have been raised to embrace change it can do all of the worst things you know: separate you from what is known to you and the people you have already established already know you and love you. By leaving and changing you are stating that they are not enough to keep you happy.
When you take this idea into the political spectrum, Trump’s message of insularity is very appealing; his inclusion of lies about what he offers which is a variation of ‘you are fine the way you are and they way you already think’ can be very attractive
4) About people who claim that other ‘don’t want to work’:
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