President Leonard Dummpted (Parody of Trump)

Upon entering the oval office, Dummpted carried in a sign to put on the desk, an homage to the former-President Harry Truman but maligned to read “Your bucks stop here” [Truman had a sign that read “The Buck Stops Here” – a means to inform the public that all responsibility rested with him]. When asked about the sign by reporters who had watched him put it on the desk, Dummpted stated” I didn’t put it there, it was there when I sat down”. The theme of denial in the face of obvious objective and visual proof became one of the many themes of his administration.

During the campaign he stated “I love the countries of Europe. So lovely and historic. If I wanted to be in those shithole countries full of brown people and sand I would visit a cat’s litter box”. His followers clapped for over an hour while the Democrats carefully responded that he was speaking “true to his message”.

The Democrats predicted passionately and convincingly that Dummpted would lose the election because of his obvious vulgarity and history of poor choices (bailed out by his father), many marriages, along series of unpaid bills, years of cheating the IRS, and no public service but they were wrong. While many of these qualities actually appealed to his followers, Dummpted wisely chose to seek an electorate of people consistent in their poor educations, failure to use the internet for anything other than gossip, gaming, and porn, as well as wealthy people who only admired his wealth, constant conflicts with the IRS, and being the child of money.

It was obvious that he would win.

The only child of family of real estate investors who specialized in strip malls, Leonard Dummpted was widely discounted as a serious contender for the Presidency of the United States. He started his campaign by riding a down escalator in the NYC subway system. Unfortunately, he chose the escalator at Hudson Yards and from the moment he got on the escalator to reaching the bottom the ride took 5 minutes. Candidate Dummpted insisted on repeating the ascent and descent of the escalator another 4 times ‘until [my] camera crew gets it right’. He began his speech by stating “I am announcing that any loss of this election will be due to election fraud and the commingling of funds and duplicity by the Democratic Party. I hereby state my desire to run for the President of the United States”.

The President then put his arm around what he thought was his wife but was, in fact, a Mrs. Titus Spungin, a 55-year old Black woman who had accidentally been rushed to the stage after the candidate’s last attempt to ride the subway escalator. The candidate’s wife had walked away the last time Mr. Dummpted had attempted the descent and was, at that moment, sitting in their limousine which was circling the subway station having found no place to park.

Mrs. Spungin, unaware of Mr. Dummpted’ had yelled out “no touching’ as Mr. Dummpted put his arm around her. She was immediately escorted off the stage by private security.

Mr. Dummpted refused to answer questions as to where his wife was at that moment.

During his campaign, Mr. Dummpted refused to answer questions from his years in the media’s attention including his use of a fake “media consultant” to answer the questions of reporters, “John Scott”. Mr. Dummpted refused to admit that John Scott was not a real person until a reporter stated, “that is a good thing Mr. Dummpted because that guy was an embarrassment – he spoke with a lisp and had a poor command of English”. Mr. Dummpted immediately took umbrage at those remarks and shouted, “I did not sound like that you piece of shit”. His PR staff shouted out that he called the reporter “a piece of Lint”.

During his re-election campaign he spoke to a group of veterans on July 4 at which time he stated that during the Revolutionary War “The Americans defended the airports and highways of all 50 states” against “the British and Iranians”. When his errors in history and poor reading skills became apparent, he countered that ‘hackers’ had altered his teleprompter’ which, later, caused actual hackers to do this.

After the event a group of hackers indicated that figuring out his password was a two-part process, first guessing that he would use the password “password12345” and then guessing that with his poor reading and spelling skills he would have written it as “Paswerd12345”.

During the next several speeches the hackers had the president say such childish things as ‘President Poopy, the leader of Russia” and “I like corn flakes right from the box” which President Dummpted read without pause or comprehension. When questioned about the errors later, the President stated that both pieces of information were true. Later, he retracted his statements by saying, “I wasn’t there and I did not answer any questions – just another piece of the lying mainstream media and their lies about all their lies and lying”. Reporters gladly showed video evidence of the errors with time and date stamps which had become a regular part of all taping of the President since his days of campaigning.

He often used the example of “a big guy came up to me, tears in his eyes” to inform the audience how much “big men” wanted him to be president of the United States.

“This guy comes up to me, big guy, with tears in his eyes, begging me to be President. He said to me, ‘we need you to be our President, big guys like me’ because there is no one who represents our hatred of Jews and Blacks’. I knew what he meant. He then, like all the other big guys, offered me a blowjob. I declined and then he persisted and asked if a handjob would be alright.

I relented and said ‘ok’. He then told me that it would be $40 but I, a master of the deal, got him down to $35. Guys like that are the backbone of this great country – hardworking, entrepreneurial and good-looking”

The President’s personal attorney, Rudy FruttiTutti stated that he had proof that the President was not at that specific press conference and he had proof from FOX News that the President was in the White House. When asked to present his evidence, Rudy showed a white video box from a VHS tape with the words “The Krunks” covered with a piece of paper and the words “President Dummpted Proof of Not Being There” written black marker.

When the media mocked him over these errors, he seized the opportunity to state that it was ‘these same hackers’ that had” kept him out of Wharton School of Business” when he applied in 1968 as well as, earlier, being blacklisted from a pre-K program in 1953. He continued that these ‘same hackers” had altered his DNA “which is why my kids are so ugly” which may have been the last instance when the hackers had changed his teleprompter, although the president failed to correct himself about the DNA statement later.

Hurricane Dorian hit the US from the Atlantic Ocean. Many states were affected on the east coast, including Florida. On September 6, 2019 President Dummpted used a black Sharpie marker to alter an official National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration map to include Alabama in Hurricane Dorian’s trajectory during an Oval Office presentation earlier this week, The Washington Post reported.

“No one else writes like that on a map with a black Sharpie,” a White House official who spoke on the condition of anonymity told the Post.

Since September 6, 2019, Dummpted aggressively defended his false claim that Hurricane Dorian was likely to hit Alabama, even after the National Weather Service stressed that “no impacts from Hurricane

Dorian will be felt across Alabama.” The President also stated that states as far west as Utah and Colorado would feel the wrath of this cyclone and Dust Devil like never before” While Press Secretary Pfeiffer quickly corrected the President’s words, “He meant Hurricane Dorian, of course, not a cyclone or a ‘Dust Devil’, other administration officials quickly stepped in and took away the map as the President was reaching for marker colors other than the black one he was holding “I want to use other colors to show emphasis. Hey, where are you going with that?” he said as officials were seen running down the hall with the map.

“Quick, hide this” was heard echoing down the hall as reporters were unable to locate the White House official who initiated the map theft.

The Early History of the 2016 Election

After accepting the nomination, Candidate Dummpted stated, “I am so popular that I could kill a guy on 5 th Avenue and I would still get elected”, a proposition that turned out to be true. He immediately went out on 5th Avenue (Midtown Manhattan) and using a gun he borrowed from his private security team he shot the first man he met in the face, killing him.

The security guard was dismissed and was brought up on charges of misusing a weapon. Candidate Dummpted was brought up on charges but when the family found out who he was they accepted a promise of a $10M in compensation. This amount was never paid because Leonard Dummpted never paid his bills or the results of lawsuits without many years of appeals and this was no different.

“I was walking down the street and a man, a really big man, came up to me with tears streaming down his face. He said to me, “Mr. President, you are the greatest president this country has ever seen and I want to make love to you and have your babies. I was very flattered, of course. He said he would get a sex-change operation just to have my babies. That was so nice”.

Upon hearing this, Tucker Carlson stated on FoxNews that he had offered this same proposition on air and the President had turned him down. “I am just asking questions here but could that other man be more attractive than me? I stated that I would have more than one child for the President and that man only offered one child. Do you think that is fair, America?”

Devin Nunes, upon hearing about this subject informed the President that he would work exclusively as the President’s ‘love slave’; “if the President would drop the subject and stop putting other men before me. It is making me upset that what we could have would not be exclusive”.

The President’s wife had no comment.